chronicgambler | IC INBOX for Prisma

( gentaro just chalks it up to drowsiness. or, he attributes any shift in dice’s tone to be yet another thing they’ve agreed not to discuss unless the other one brings it up. while that had its merits when they were friends, getting to know each other, being engaged meant a whole new world and that required communication. )

Hm?

( gentaro yawns, leaning back in his chair, twisting his head side to side to work out the knots in his shoulders. his gaze drifts over to dice, just glad that he’s home to fall asleep with at this hour. ) Ah— Prince... ( he starts, the cat charging happily towards his cuddlier father. it’s in that glance that gentaro notices dice’s hand. huh. )

Is it opposite day? No one warned me. How dull.

[Dice smoothly scoops up Prince and nuzzles him as he heads over to his beloved author.]

Whaddaya mean? 's my hair parted wrong?

[Leaning down to give him a kiss that lingers, while poor Prince is held so firmly that he starts wiggling to get down. As Dice sets the little guy down, he tries another grin.]

You're cute as hell when you're sleepy.

( a tiny blush that hasn’t gone away even after six months of dating colors gentaro’s cheeks. restlessly, he pushes his own hair over his ear, the compliment still doing stupidly wonderful things to him.

but his gaze settles back on the ring and it’s kind of distracting. is it on upside down too? is that even a thing? why would dice take it off in the first place — )

Your ring. Customarily, engagement rings are worn on one’s left hand.

[Fuck. Dice's face goes pale, but he tries to smile as he moves the ring back to the right hand and in the right direction.]

Oh, that! Man, I'm... I just put it back on wrong. I was in a hurry.

[He's definitely hiding something.]

( a blink. a sleepy blink but a quizzical, slightly suspicious stare. what — )

You took it off?

( it doesn’t sound accusatory, just confused. for now. )

[Shit shit shit shit fuck fuck fuck shit fuck damn no! He fusses with the band, looking at it guiltily, eyes refusing to look to Gentaro.]

Ehh, just for like five minutes maybe? I won it back right away, it's no big deal!

[Dice's life ends in three... two...]

( the stupid blip of fear that dice took it off to flirt with someone is quickly extinguished.

but oh.

now he’s just — mildly glaring.

this may be just as bad. )

You used it in a bet? ( one. )

It wasn't...

[He won't lie to Gentaro, but... Holy shit. He knows he fucked up, it was just the only thing he had on him that was worth anything, and... Maybe if he just jokes about it it'll be fine?]

I mean, it wasn't a real bet! I was showin' some of the hosts how to play a couple card games and we got a little rowdy, that's all. I got it right back! Nobody else even touched it. Hell, they even said how pretty it was!

Then why bet with anything at all?

( it comes out a bit sharper than he intends, but there had to have been a million other things dice could have used. his eyes haven’t left dice, still mildly narrowed. )

So you took it off. And used it as a bet. ( JUST TO SUMMARIZE HERE. )

[Dice looks down at the floor. He feels like he's being talked to like a child, which he absolutely hates if it's not a joke. Maybe Gentaro will say he's lying and he's not mad.

Please.

Anything but this.

He looks down at his hand, messing with the ring nervously.]

...We were just dicking around. It's fine! Ain't gonna do it again, anyway.

( oh no. no. )

And if you had lost it? ( he feels so — numb. angry but numb and he hasn’t felt like this for awhile. it’s a very painful reminder of a world past. )

Would you bet our home, Dice? What exactly is off limits?

I wouldn't!

[His head snaps up at that, brow furrowed. It hurts, and he knows from that reaction that he's hurt Gentaro, too. Belatedly, he realizes he should have lied, but... Why would he lie to Gentaro? This man is going to marry him.

...Was?]

I said I'm not gonna do it again! You don't have to fuckin' lecture me. What're you, my mom?

( gentaro scoffs at that, hand restlessly threading through his bangs, clearly anxious and not sure where or how to channel his frustrations. )

If I were the Prime Minister, I highly doubt I’d have the time for such reckless stupidity.

( like! gosh!!!!!

gentaro breathes out through his nose, only realizing what he said until it replayed back in his own head.

oh.

fuck. )

[Dice freezes. He's not actually aware that his mouth is hanging open for the few moments that it is, but... eventually, in the silence, he snaps it shut.

His mouth is dry. He feels like he can't breathe, can't talk, can't move. Gentaro... said that. Gentaro called him stupid (which, god dammit, he knows he is, he fucking knows... And Gentaro knows who his mother is...?

They were supposed to have their secrets. They were supposed to both have secrets and that made them square and even and it made Dice less upset about not knowing a goddamn thing about Gentaro's life, his past, anything. None of that was important, he reasoned. None of that was necessary, because they both had them, and it made things balance out in Dice's mind.

There are too many thoughts running through too simple of a mind, and he realizes he's staring, dumbfounded, frowning, and jesus christ why is his vision getting blurry???]

...Yeah. Guess you don't have time for me, either.

[It hurts. It hurts in ways he doesn't have words for, because words are Gentaro's thing, not his. He can't even get the feelings out because he's never felt this betrayed in his life, and he still knows he fucked up, and hates himself for it. It's too much.]

D'you... Uh.

[A sniff.]

D'you want this back?

[He's pulling the ring off.]

( gentaro knows he's overstepped. but he’s hurt and he isn’t sure what to do with that hurt. hearing dice like that, seeing him like that, it makes him uncertain. nervous. when did he become this much of a mess of a person? when did he become so weak? why were weaknesses so difficult? )

Dice.

( the word is said hoarsely, his throat dry and tight. )

I... hadn’t meant to say that. ( he ducks his head down, uncertain why that admission is so difficult. )

Yeah, well...

[He should pretend it's okay. Laugh it off. "Haha, my mom's a psycho!"

Rolling the ring around between his fingers, he stares at the stars on it, counting them mindlessly.

This is something that's weighed on him before. Gentaro's talked about some of his fears, his jealousy. It got Dice thinking about his own fears again, too. The fear of being trapped in a loveless household. The fear of being criticized just for living his life. The fear of being berated, held to an impossible standard, never being enough.]

...you think I don't know what I am? That I'm a fuck-up? That everyone's happier if I'm doing what I'm told, or staying quiet and out of the fuckin' way? My whole damn family's better off without me. Fuck them.

[A sigh wrenches its way out, heavy and long.]

Man, I know you deserve better, I just... I fucked up. I always fuck up. I'm gonna keep fucking up. That's all I'm good for, right? You're marrying a loser.

[He remembers that one time he told Gentaro that he felt like he was accepted for who he was. And he wonders if it's true. They don't talk about such things, after all, about issues or needs or problems or anything they don't absolutely have to address.]

( he hadn’t thought about how much this may hurt dice. hadn’t exactly put into the calculus of things that dice had his own demons and grappled with the hurt and reality of it all.

wasn’t it so much easier to think of dice as a hopeless and clueless gambling addict? wasn’t that just easier to process?

gentaro doesn’t make any move to touch his own ring, but he does keep his gaze fixed on dice’s hand. as if he expects the thing to be flung back in his face. he supposes that would be fair. )

I don’t deserve anything, really. ( he says it a bit emptily, feeling raw and put on display strangely. he ought to stop deflecting, stop trying to just sidestep everything . )

I said that because I knew, even subconsciously, to some degree that it would upset you. And I did that because I was hurt.

( it’s weird to dissect his own feelings like this. but maybe it’s time. )

I suppose I fixated on something in my control in order to ignore that I was hurt because I’m afraid. You’re an addict, but I’m also a liar. I don’t think I have any right to judge you.

I'm sorry.

[He grips the ring tightly in his fist and puts his other hand over his face, like maybe if he does that he can stop these emotions from happening.]

I mean it. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you, and I won't do it again. I know...

[He wants to run, wants to leave, wants to not process anything, he wants a cigarette and a slot machine and maybe to stop existing.]

I know I got a problem. I used'ta bet my damn life, before I met you. I didn't have shit. But now I got you, and I don't wanna lose you. When I bet it, the second I did it I felt like shit. You're the best thing I got goin' for me. Why'd I ever wanna risk that on a stupid game? But then it just kinda happened...

[His tongue feels too heavy.]

I'm scared. Like... when're you gonna realize I'm a piece of shit?

I suppose around the same time you realize I’m nowhere near as good of a person as you think I am.

( there’s a sad, uneasy smile. )

I don’t want the ring back. I want you to keep it. That isn’t a lie.

( he keeps his gaze away, heart climbing up his throat, feeling dizzy. ) We don’t have to talk about your family, your past. All I care about is the you in the present.

( his hand goes back to his hair. back and forth, back and forth, almost like he may rip it out. ) But... we ought to talk about all that encompasses. The present. For the both of us.

You wrote a song for me. You wrote a book for me. How's that not good?

[Dice sighs, and realizes the hand on his face is weirdly damp. Ah, hell. Hurriedly, he wipes it on his pricey slacks.]

We oughta talk, yeah, but... I don't want you to go into it thinkin' I think anything bad about you. I ain't got room to judge, either. I know you get hurt real easy compared to me, and I keep messin' up and makin' you sad. So... tell me how to stop.

[A beat.]

And fuckin' leave my mom out of it.

( gentaro’s lips twitch up just a bit. )

What mother?

( he tips his head to the side, inhaling then exhaling. all right. he could do this. he really could. perhaps this time he ought to start. )

I lie because it’s easier than confronting the truth. I won’t get hurt if I cloak everything as a joke or people aren’t inclined to believe me in the first place. Now that you know me, the lies won’t work. You know when I’m upset or lying. I haven’t had to properly process, ah... negative feelings, so to speak, in awhile.

I don’t know how to be a proper boyfriend, nor fiancé. I simply know that I want to be with you and that isn’t changing. And that truth is something I’m afraid will ruin me, because it’s the only truth about myself I like, and I’m afraid of losing it.

[He manages a little huff of a laugh at the first statement, and makes his way across the room to kneel beside Gentaro. Prince bounds over and rubs his face on both of them, like he knows.

And Dice puts his ring back on, solemn and sure.]

You know, if you need'ta lie to me or something, it's okay. Like, if you can't deal with shit and you need a minute. I mean, if it's about me, I'd be happier if you told me or... I dunno, we can try to talk it out. I don't wanna hurt you, and I dunno how to be a proper anything, so sayin' that doesn't mean shit.

[He hesitates, but he reaches over for Gentaro's nearest hand, not quite taking it, just... asking permission to do so, wordlessly. Hopefully Gentaro won't notice how red his eyes are, or see the tear tracks on his face.]

You're the best thing. You make me laugh, you're a great writer, you give me hell when I deserve it... You make me dinner sometimes, an' we got the best cats. I don't wanna lose you or any of that any more than you do.

No matter who I am or what I’ve done?

( gentaro easily lets a hand drop to his lap, palm upturned. honest. there’s a visible look of relief on his face as he says all of it, does all of it. )

I won’t lie to you. Not about the things that matter. For once, I’d like to be honest.

( the little smile is still there, tiny and sad but increasingly bright. )

I’m all yours, Dice Arisugawa. Unequivocally and unconditionally.

No matter what. I don't know how you knew about my mom, but... you know some shit I probably don't wanna know you know, you know? But you tell the best stories, an' you got a brain the size of the planet in that head of yours.

[He takes Gentaro's hand in his and holds it for a few warm moments.]

And me? It's harder to lie, so I just lay it all out there. But I didn't tell you what I was worried about 'n scared about any more than you told me, so... my bad.

[Lifting Gentaro's hand, he pulls it to his chest.]

I don't know a whole lot sometimes, but I do know that I wanna be yours. Even if I'm scared you're gonna wake up one day and realize you got better things to do than me. An' hell, if you want me to stop gamblin' so much, I'll try. I'm promisin' right now, I will never bet this ring, or my wedding ring, or our home, or our cats, or my life ever again.

[A grin chases the tail end of that.]

Dice.

( it’s said with all the fondness and love in the world. he had written off love a long time ago but here it was, so deeply a part of him now. it hadn’t meant to be this way, but here he was, stupidly in love with the prime minister’s son. )

I don’t mind if you gamble, or if you work at that club. I only mind when someone or something aims to take away my messiah.

( his free hand reaches out, fingers to curl under dice’s chin, his own eyes bright. )

IC INBOX for Prisma

DICE YOU BABY....

HE'S AN IDIOT

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